HPLX.NET FAQs: Humorous HPLX-L Mailing List FAQ
Welcome to the new HPLX-L Mailing List FAQ!
Q. Does anybody know where I can get the new ROM upgrade for my HP Jornada 680 stylus?
A. This list is for the HP DOS palmtops: the 95LX, 100LX, and 200LX. By mentioning a Windows CE machine, you have cursed yourself for all time. We DOS palmtop users don't mess around when it comes to things like this. Oh, you'll get a few conventional flames, all right. But most of us won't stoop to such crass methodology. Instead, we'll go to work in subtle but terrifying ways. Expect to find yourself subscribed to every free e-mail service in the world. Also, we will plant a secret virus in your Jornada 680 which will cause your batteries to wear out after only a few hours instead of the 150+ hours that all the OTHER J680 users are getting. If we can find out where you live, expect some Amway distributors next week.
Q: In that case, never mind. What about my Psion and my PalmPilot? Can I get support for THOSE here?
A. (Shaking head) You just don't learn, do you. Helga! Get the dogs!
Q. Whoa, whoa, never mind, I get the point. I'll confine my questions to DOS palmtops.
Q. Can I sync up my 200LX with Outlook 98?
A. Sure. There are programs on SUPER that do it now. Why you would want to is beyond me, though.
Q. Outlook is a quality product from the finest software company in the world!
A. Helga! Where are those dogs?
Q. Okay, okay, sorry. Is it permissible to send jokes and other non-palmtop-related material to the list?
A. Absolutely! The only little detail is that you must also include your home address at the bottom, so that we can all send you thank-you cards.
Q. Um... my home address?
A. Okay, okay. Actually, many of us quite enjoy reading "fluff," as this sort of thing is called. It makes the list feel more human, seem less cold and impersonal like a harsh Alaskan winter's night when a pack of timber wolves is rapidly bearing down on you. But on the other hand, it is a technically-oriented list. So don't go overboard. And, in fact, any fluff will earn you a few enemies. If you're the type of person who can't stand up to a good solid flame-war, then I'd probably avoid it. And please label all fluff as such by prefacing your subject with FLUFF, as in:
Subject: FLUFF: How my 200LX saved 400,000 lives in Crimea
Subject: FLUFF: I have a cat named Mittens
All of this applies only to good, high-quality, funny posts. Forwarding hoaxes like the "Good Times" virus warning to the list will result in your instant death.
Q. Is the 200LX year-2000 compliant?
A. No. It does not even recognize that there IS a year 2000. After December 31, 1999, the 200LX will cease to function altogether. The serial port will short out, the screen will crack, the keys will break off, and the Hornet CPU will overheat, spilling out lethal doses of radiation in all directions and wreaking havoc with your happy home. Your only hope is to send me your 200LX immediately and I'll properly dispose of it for you.
Q. What about the year 2000 being a leap year?
A. Yeah, it handles that fine.
Q. I've heard of a "speed upgrade." What is that?
A. The "speed upgrade" makes your palmtop go faster. It involves expensive modifications to your motherboard. However, as is so often the case, the big companies are ripping us off by charging huge prices for something you can do free, by yourself. The real secret of that expensive double-speed crystal is not that it "runs faster" or "oscillates at double-speed" or any of that technical mumbo-jumbo. The so-called "crystal" is merely a tiny pump which shoots caffeine into your Hornet every now and then. The double-speed crystal just pumps twice as fast. That's all there is to it.
Now that you know the secret, you can duplicate it by dunking your 200LX into a cup of Mountain Dew or Jolt Cola every now and then. The caffeine will soak into the CPU and your speed will jump. In fact, many users report that the 200LX runs so much faster, they can't even see the display anymore!
Q. Is there a backlight upgrade for the 200LX?
Sure, but it's more cost-effective to just buy a gigantic Mag-Lite flashlight and carry that around with you. It may not be as convenient, but you can use it to fend off muggers too, so it all works out in the end.
Q. I've noticed a poster named Lynn Cavendish...
A. He's male.
Q. Ah. Thanks. You saved me some embarrassment there.
A. Glad to help.
Copyright 1999, Palmtop Info Central.
Last Updated 19-Oct-1999